


All my days have turned to darkness

by FeralCreed



Category: X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men: First Class - Fandom
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Charles Being Concerned, Developing Friendships, Emotional Hurt, Erik has Issues, Erik has PTSD, Gen, Hurt Erik Lehnsherr, Nightmares suck, Poor Erik, Time Skips, also the automatic filler is really weird folks that is all, let's be honest here there's no way he doesn't, why does AO3 automatically capitalise tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-22 13:09:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8286944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeralCreed/pseuds/FeralCreed
Summary: Erik Lehnsherr is not a good man and he knows it. He's described himself as Frankenstein's monster, as tends to happen when a boy is tortured by the man who murdered his mother in front of him. And if, in the dark of some nights, he wondered whether there had ever been the possibility of another path, that was a matter only for himself. If asked, he would have said the question had never crossed his mind and that it wasn't the asker's business anyway. Of his many talents, learning to hide his emotions was the second easiest one behind his mutation. Despite the loneliness, it was safer that way.A 5+1 fic featuring Erik Lehnsherr and nightmares.





	

**I.**

The first time he has a nightmare after Auschwitz, he crumples the tin cup by his bed into a seamless ball of metal the size of a large marble. He wakes up and doesn't know what happened, capable only of feeling the raw terror that is forcing his heart to beat through his chest. It's dark, he can't see, and his hands are shaking too badly for him to light the candle by his bed. At the time he's still just a boy, only free of Herr Doktor for a few months. May 17th, 1945, is the date of his first panic attack. Erik sits on the floor between the bed and the window and sobs quietly.

 

It's the only hiding place he can think of while he's terrified, and of course it's not nearly good enough. He must have screamed at some point because the mother of the family who took him in is knocking at the door, asking if he's all right and if she can come in to check on him. There's something in her voice that reminds him of his own mother and he cries harder, audible now even to someone on the other side of the door. She comes in unannounced and Erik's anxiety manages to flare even higher. He throws his hand out, eyes wide, and the watch around her wrist tightens until she cries out.

 

Erik flinches at the noise, scared anew, and the woman escapes while his abilities lull. He leaves through the window before she can come back with her husband, never once considering that she might understand. When she goes back to his room, concerned for him despite her fright, he's been gone half an hour already. It's cold outside despite the season, though it's mostly psychological than any real fluctuation of the thermometer. A child's overactive mind is already imagining the police after him, and he spends the night hiding in a barn. By daylight he's on the run again and he never realises that his foster parents tried to find him.

 

 

**II.**

It's not long after that that he has another one. He doesn't even remember what it was about, only a glimpse of frightened eyes and a sharp noise. Later he'll suspect that it was about his mother's death but in the moment he's only a scared boy longing for home. Both his parents are dead, as well as his sister, something that was confirmed the month before he'd run from his foster home. The letter confirming the news said there were no recoverable personal effects, a phrase that had stayed in Erik's mind even after the rest of the letter had faded into a vague jumble of words.

 

Herr Doktor's sadistic streak is the only thing he has to thank for the fact that he still has his mother's locket. She'd gotten it from her mother, and had kept a family portrait in its cover. It had been on her when she'd died, and it had amused Herr Doktor to show it to him occasionally, to remind him just what had happened. The reminder had been unnecessary, Erik would never forget the callous look on the man's face as he'd fired his pistol.

 

But it's metal, however little, and as he stifles his screams, his fingers follow the chain to clutch at the locket itself. It's grounding to have it there despite it's slight size, and it's the only link to his family that he has left. He hides it carefully under his shirt, checks for it half a dozen times a day to make sure it hasn't fallen. Even though he hates using his powers, hates proving how efficient Herr Doktor was, it's soothing to feel its closeness. When he kips in an abandoned lean-to, in what used to be a horse pasture, he rubs his thumb over it and it soothes him in a way he doesn't understand. There are tear tracks on his face and a dull ache in his heart, but he holds on to the locket and he thinks it might help.

 

 

**III.**

As the years change, so does Erik. He grows into adulthood, becoming even more bitter and jaded than he'd been as a prisoner of war. There are hunts, altercations, but then there is Magda. She's a beautiful Romani girl, an old sweetheart with whom he'd been reunited at Auschwitz. They remember each other and their relationship deepens, from friendship to clumsy kissing in the dark. Erik thinks he might love her and she laughs when he tells her so.

 

They marry in August, on a day hot enough that it's uncomfortable to be wearing a suit, and Magda and her mother are both crying tears of happiness by the end of the ceremony. Anya is born about a year later, and Erik reconsiders his former desire for vengeance. He doesn't use his powers much, but he has an idea of how to fix things even without being able to sense the metal parts, and between that and field labour, he's able to support his family. Magda works when she can, but jobs aren't at a surplus in their city and it's not always possible for both of them to be employed. Despite the occasional shortage of money, however, they're happy, and Erik feels at peace for the first time since he was fifteen and hearing of war. She knows him as Max but he changes his name to Magnus when they move to another city; his wife only laughs at his antics and calls him her love.

 

It's ended by human hatred, when locals burn down their house with his daughter still inside. At first he thinks she made it out, sees her babysitter standing in the street, but then he realises the woman's crying and that he can hear a girl crying out for her _ojciec_ , and he bolts for the house. The crowd holds him back, keeps him from saving his daughter's life, and Erik's powers explode, killing them and destroying a good part of the city. Magda runs from him when he tries to go to her, and he'll never find her again.

 

He's so drunk at his daughter's grave that he can't stand, and he cries his heart out as he sits against the headstone. With his impaired coordination, he accidentally smashes the bottle against the stone, and he tosses the remainder away from him. Nobody dares come near him after what he did the day Anya died, and he doesn't know how he'd react if they'd approached him. The alcohol fuels the night terrors, and he wakes with a scream trapped behind clenched teeth. Both the bench and the lamppost nearby are in the same twisted ball of material, the wood and glass trapped behind twisted pieces of metal. Erik destroys three cars as he shouts drunkenly into the night, screaming and cursing, but the townspeople just draw the curtains and pretend not to hear him.

 

 

**IV.**

Without a family, he's dark and broken, and he sets off on his quest for vengeance with renewed vigor. He goes to Israel under the name Erik Lehnsherr, an identity that's gypsy instead of Jewish, and doesn't dwell on whether or not he's trying to cling to the last semblance of normality he'd had. For someone with money and ruthlessness, it isn't hard to start tracking down the men who had been in charge at the concentration camps, at Auschwitz. The body count grows higher and Erik doesn't stop.

 

It's hard to find Herr Doktor. Of all the others, he's the only one who's succeeded in hiding from him all these years, and it infuriates Erik beyond all his other failures. He obsesses over it, determined to find and kill the man, and he knows it's unhealthy but he doesn't want to stop, not really. Even if he wishes he could just let it all rest and find somewhere to live with his grief, his mind won't stop and so neither will he.

 

He's holed up in Switzerland, the coin he'd once failed to move flipping between his fingers as he sits on a motel bed. The hunt has been going unusually well lately and he hopes the trend will continue. But there's been a growing uneasiness in the back of his mind, from a source he can't determine, and it's starting to irritate him. It's only instinct that has his fingers twitching for his mother's locket; it's stored in a bank a dozen countries away under a name he created for the sole purpose of keeping it safe. Erik had badly wanted to keep it near him but he'd known it was too likely it would be lost or damaged somehow and he'd refused to risk it.

 

So he flicks the coin to the center of the drawing's head and tells himself to stop thinking about it. He dreams again that night, of a helpless young boy screaming, of survival, and hatred, and the inevitable loss of family. By the time he wakes up, his face is soaked with tears and almost none of the metal in the room has retained its original shape. Erik restores what he can without putting effort into it and leaves the rest as it is. The landlady isn't happy with the state of the room but Erik is gone by the time she discovers it so it doesn't really matter, does it?

 

 

**V.**

People think that war is coming and Erik doesn't wholly disagree. He keeps his opinions to himself, and stays away from anyone that shows too much interest in him. It's hard to cut himself off from all but necessary human contact, but he tells himself it's necessary and tries to believe it. After so many years of cluelessness, he's closing in on Herr Doktor, even tracked him down to Miami. But there are several possible places to go from here and he's had to rent a motel room rather than going straight to his objective.

 

It's hard, moving so frequently that nobody knows you, but Erik's restless and uneasy and hopes that killing Herr Doktor will fix that. He knows some claim that killing only leaves you feeling emptier but he reckons he'll figure out one way or the other once he's done it. Once upon a time, the prospect would have scared him, but by now he's unfortunately used to the ways a man might die. When the time comes to to settle his account with Herr Doktor, he'll be emotionally capable, at least.

 

But the closeness of his target has him uneasy. The man he's hunting has hidden for so long that Erik isn't altogether convinced that he's finally located him. And even though he only ever saw the man in his lab, Erik can't really picture him on a boat. Certainly not working with other people and seeming to be close to them, as a few have said.

 

He tries to stay awake all night, since the nightmares are less frequent when he sleeps during the day, but he falls asleep around one-thirty in the morning. It's not the most comfortable position, sitting in a chair by the drafty window, but evidently his body has greater needs than he'd anticipated. After a few hours he's woken by the window breaking, as the bars over it curve inward in response to his unconscious use of his powers. Erik knows he's lucky that none of the pieces cut his face, but there's a handful on his neck and arms that he'll have to cover to avoid suspicion.

 

The next night he finds Shaw, boards his silly little boat, but there's more people and more complications than he'd ever expected. He's in the water, and he knows he's going to drown if he doesn't surface soon, but this is his only chance to finally get his revenge and he's not going to toss it away just because there's a chance he could die. Just a little more, just a little better – and a man is in the water with him, pulling him to the surface. Erik's concentration is broken and the submarine gets away, but he's not the only one, _he's not the only one_ , and he's glad for the ocean because otherwise it would be too obvious that his eyes are prickling with tears of relief.

 

 

**+1.**

Charles' home is big, too big, in a way that unnerves him a little bit, but he stays there anyway. There are people like him here, and he learns something about what he is (a mutant) and what's known about that (not much). It irks him that Herr Doktor got away, but he tampers his emotions on that subject and does his best to not be openly antagonistic to everyone. Sometimes it's not easy.

 

But the team doesn't seem to hate him. They're even comfortable with what he can do and the fact that he uses his powers in everyday life. He can bring a spoon to him from across the kitchen when he's making coffee in the morning, or locate the tv remote when someone loses it again, or open doors without needing to touch the doorknob. A few times, they're still momentarily taken aback when they see him doing it, but it's not born of fear or hate in any way and he starts to get used to it.

 

Of course, all good things must come to an end. Erik's settled, physically and emotionally, but then the War is mentioned on the television, there's an image onscreen of one of the concentration camps, and he's outside before he even realises he's moved. His hands are shaking and he presses them against the stone balustrade, willing his breathing to even out. It doesn't, not for a long few minutes, and when he goes back inside he bypasses the living room and takes the long way to his bedroom instead.

 

He doesn't speak to the others at dinner unless they address him first, and nobody brings up his abrupt departure. None of them say anything when he goes back to his room once he's done eating, forbearing his usual habit of sitting with Charles and playing a few rounds of chess. Tonight isn't a good time for it or anything like it; he can feel something buzzing under his skin and he jumps at sounds he usually wouldn't notice. Charles, at least, noticed it, he knows that. But thankfully he doesn't ask, doesn't talk, and instead lets Erik escape the table.

 

When the nightmares come, he destroys a good half of his room. Metal hangers, doorknobs, the towel rack in the en suite bathroom, anything that he can reach it to in his desperation. He wakes up screaming for the first time in years, and the realisation that someone is in the room with him makes him flush in mortification. It's Charles, of course it is, and he doesn't look pitying, just concerned, like he would be for a friend. Erik intends to yell at him, to tell him to get out and not come back, but the words don't come.

 

Instead of leaving, Charles reaches out to him, and stays despite the fact that Erik flinches at the touch of a hand on his arm. “You're all right, Erik, you're safe here,” he says, and his voice is softer than Erik remembers it ever being. He shakes uncontrollably even after Charles embraces him, and his fingers dig into the other man's shoulders as he clings to him. Seconds stretch into minutes, but he doesn't cry until Charles asks him if he's okay. Then it all comes out in a rush, the tears and the emotion, and the metal in the room twitches and vibrates wherever it is.

 

Erik would never admit it, but he's grateful that Charles stays. The other mutant's shirt is wet by the time Erik finally starts to recover, but neither of them mention it. Instead Charles' presence is gently there in his mind, and he brings up a handful of nearly forgotten memories from his childhood. He flicks his hand and the locket comes to him; he traces the chain with his thumb like he did so many years ago. Charles sits with him for hours, listens to the broken account Erik gives him of his past, and doesn't leave until he's fallen back asleep.

 

Unlike the motel in Miami, Erik does his best to clean up the morning after. He slept in, something he hadn't even planned to do, but after a late breakfast he's back in his room. Charles knocks on the doorjamb when he's nearly done, raising an eyebrow in silent question. Erik nods in response and he steps in, glancing around before taking a seat in the chair near the window. They're both quiet as the last few pieces are straightened back into their original shape, and then Erik sits on the edge of the bed and pointedly doesn't mention last night.

 

“Love what you've done with the place,” Charles says, glancing around.

 

It's a casual remark, bordering on rude, but Erik laughs for the first time in a long time. “Spur of the moment thing,” he replies, off-hand, and Charles grins back.

 

“You're all right?” he asks after a moment of companionable silence.

 

“As well as I can be,” Erik answers with a shrug. Charles nods and doesn't say anything more until he stands to go. He claps his friend on the shoulder as he passes, offering a smile, and Erik nods in return. Once Charles is gone, his fingers slip to the locket, but it's meditative rather than comforting. There's merits to relationships after all, it seems. For the first time in a long time, Erik feels like he might not be as completely alone as he'd thought.

 

**Author's Note:**

> So, my first time writing a fic in the X-Men universe. I picked and chose from comic- and movie-Erik's history, since I can never seem to make up my mind which one to stick with. Comments, kudos, and constructive criticism appreciated! I still feel like I don't have a handle on how to write him but practice makes better amiright? Also I wrote this after being awake for far too long so I am making about zero guarantees as to it being legible especially as it is unbeta'd.


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